ABANDON HOPE OF: SATISFACTION, REFUNDS OR DEATH WITH DIGNITY
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I think I know why I'm always eager to get back to school in the fall. The clamor of voices in my head during the summer is absolutely fucking deafening. Every half-baked, half-formed character wants to be heard. I'm treated like an overworked stenographer. "Here, asshole, take this down," one of them tells me. A mid-forties (and as yet featureless) woman is yelling: "Listen to me! Are you listening?" Even the kids are lining up to have their stories recorded: "She called me an idiot so I bit her."
Llewellen: Hide the pens and stationery. And bring me another beer.
1.1 Diners shall have the right to refuse a stomach pump. 1.2 There is no Right 1.2 2.1 Diners shall have the right, duty and obligation to pay in full. 3.1 See Right 2.1 3.2 to 5.5 These Rights have been removed by the Kitchen Staff.
DR. HUGO Z. HACKENBUSH
LUNCH COUNTER DIETICIAN
THE DINER'S BILL OF RIGHTS, Sections 5.6 to 7.4
5.6 Diners have the Right to tip generously. Neglect of this Right shall be at the expense of the Diner's desire to leave. 6.3 This is essentially a re-wording of 5.6 6.4 Diners are encouraged to use the washroom facilities, especially on All-Fibre Tuesdays. However, 'Floaters' must be removed. 7.4 Bread sticks are not a meal. And although they are provided free of charge and in abundance, there is a limit to Llewellen's tolerance.