ABANDON HOPE OF: SATISFACTION, REFUNDS OR DEATH WITH DIGNITY
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
DESIGN A NEW RELIGION
Finally, a contest worth entering. I don't know if 750 words will do the job, though. I mean, a religion has to have a creation myth, thirty or forty thousand prohibitions, a list of festivals and holy days, some shit about faggots, women, unbelievers, body parts, talking tuna, rainbows, lucky colours, unlucky numbers, secret handshakes, inspiring songs, prayers, chants and raps, and where your spirit goes after the bars are closed. It's a tough job.
1.1 Diners shall have the right to refuse a stomach pump. 1.2 There is no Right 1.2 2.1 Diners shall have the right, duty and obligation to pay in full. 3.1 See Right 2.1 3.2 to 5.5 These Rights have been removed by the Kitchen Staff.
DR. HUGO Z. HACKENBUSH
LUNCH COUNTER DIETICIAN
THE DINER'S BILL OF RIGHTS, Sections 5.6 to 7.4
5.6 Diners have the Right to tip generously. Neglect of this Right shall be at the expense of the Diner's desire to leave. 6.3 This is essentially a re-wording of 5.6 6.4 Diners are encouraged to use the washroom facilities, especially on All-Fibre Tuesdays. However, 'Floaters' must be removed. 7.4 Bread sticks are not a meal. And although they are provided free of charge and in abundance, there is a limit to Llewellen's tolerance.