ABANDON HOPE OF: SATISFACTION, REFUNDS OR DEATH WITH DIGNITY
Saturday, January 16, 2010
When I was still a semi-active chess player (thirty years ago) my rating managed to hover around 1600. That means I was a fairly decent club player (who usually concentrated for about twenty moves then offered draws when I might well have either coasted to or toughed out a win -- because I didn't really the enjoy the two-hour hard slog. What I wanted were two or three quick games, win or lose, then off to the pub.) These days, my attention span has shrunk even further. When I play on the computer, it's usually a five-minute blitz game -- ten at the most -- then back to the novel. My rating now is a rather dismal 1430 and I have difficulty beating any player on Chessmaster with a rating within 40 points of mine (plus or minus). I have forgotten most of the opening lines I memorized years ago (except for the Sicilian, which I play a lot, and a couple of its variants). It's weird, but I get a bigger kick from teaching the game to kids than I ever really got from playing it. (Those who can't...etc, I guess.) My last real game was online about three years ago. I managed a draw against a player rated @1900+. That's when I packed it in. The game was excruciating. Sixty-eight moves. When it was over, it felt as though I were missing some organs.
Don't get me wrong; I still love to play. But only for fun. And only if I'm allowed to kibitz. I did all my serious playing back in high school and university. (And Kee-rist, I must have been fucking insufferable back then.)
I don't know why it seemed important to tell you all this, but it helped to kill a half hour while the beer was chilling.
1.1 Diners shall have the right to refuse a stomach pump. 1.2 There is no Right 1.2 2.1 Diners shall have the right, duty and obligation to pay in full. 3.1 See Right 2.1 3.2 to 5.5 These Rights have been removed by the Kitchen Staff.
DR. HUGO Z. HACKENBUSH
LUNCH COUNTER DIETICIAN
THE DINER'S BILL OF RIGHTS, Sections 5.6 to 7.4
5.6 Diners have the Right to tip generously. Neglect of this Right shall be at the expense of the Diner's desire to leave. 6.3 This is essentially a re-wording of 5.6 6.4 Diners are encouraged to use the washroom facilities, especially on All-Fibre Tuesdays. However, 'Floaters' must be removed. 7.4 Bread sticks are not a meal. And although they are provided free of charge and in abundance, there is a limit to Llewellen's tolerance.